Tuesday, September 21, 2010

My Peace

I consider myself an introverted person. I can put on a good face, but my true nature is to be more internal than external. I prefer one-on-one friendships and have never been the kind of person who has a gaggle of people around. I enjoy getting together with small groups of friends, but equally enjoy when my husband is away on business, and after I put the kids to bed I have the house to myself. Quiet. Peaceful. Happy.

So true to form, when D entered my household I withdrew. I went inside my head and swirled around there for quite a while. When people would ask how I was holding up, I simply put on the 'everything's fine' face and said what they wanted to hear anyway. "Grace is doing great... we caught it so early she never really felt sick... things are good... lots to learn, but we're getting there..." Blah blah blah...

How could I possibly explain all that was going on in my head? Carbs, bolus, basals, insulin:carb ratios, sensitivity factors, endocrinologists (who even knew what that was before D?) hypoglycemia, hyperglycemia, complications, wasn't this what the girl from Steel Magnolia's died from?, amputation, kidney failure, blindness, blood glucose, A1c, check, recheck, exhaustion, fear, loneliness, sadness, anger, on and on and on. It took about 6 months to come out of that fog.

But I think I really found some sense of internal peace when, about a year after Grace's dx, I began blogging, and telling my journey. I can read other people's stories, so similar to my own, and comment when I feel I have something to say or add. And I can truly lay out all that's swirling inside my head, and that feels great. What do I get in return? Absolute acceptance, and a sense that I'm not alone. And it's not just the wonderful D-OC, it's the chance to get all the chaos out of my head. I can stop the swirling (okay, maybe just slow it down some) and refocus on whatever lays in front of me. That's why I often write late at night. It slows my brain and once it's out there I can truly rest.

At least until the 2am check.


  1. Steel Magnolias is one of my favorite movies btw.

    I am with you on this one. My only wish is that I started blogging earlier on. I started when we were about 3 1/2 years into "d"...it took me a solid year and a half to pull myself out of the "fog". It was a hard place for me to be. I tend to be more extroverted...it was hard for me to be sad and somewhat depressed...and withdrawn. I really hear you on this post and have been so grateful for the D-OC and just the ability to get my thoughts out so that I can be at peace.

    Hope the 2am check went well Pam.

  2. Amen sister. This DOC gives such a sense of peace and acceptance. I am glad the swirling has settled and that you are blogging. I like your voice :0)

  3. So with you. I am the same way..one on one friendships, introverted and when Addison was d I retreated big time. I too am glad to have found the DOC and a place where I can talk about things late at night when my brain is swirling around with the D crazies!!

    Glad that you are writing Pam..

  4. I so hear you. I felt so isolated and frustrated until I 'met' all these great ladies!

  5. You said it with perfect grace! I have been hanging around and commenting for 2 weeks now and I can't tell you how much less stress I have been feeling about Ellie and the D. You moms make me feel normal...(totally didn't sound right???). We all share "the" story. I never would have guessed this feeling of security and connection could have been possible after January 19th, 2010. You all know more about how I have felt for the last 9 months than the friends who have known me for 25 years! Amazing isn't it?