I consider myself an introverted person. I can put on a good face, but my true nature is to be more internal than external. I prefer one-on-one friendships and have never been the kind of person who has a gaggle of people around. I enjoy getting together with small groups of friends, but equally enjoy when my husband is away on business, and after I put the kids to bed I have the house to myself. Quiet. Peaceful. Happy.
So true to form, when D entered my household I withdrew. I went inside my head and swirled around there for quite a while. When people would ask how I was holding up, I simply put on the 'everything's fine' face and said what they wanted to hear anyway. "Grace is doing great... we caught it so early she never really felt sick... things are good... lots to learn, but we're getting there..." Blah blah blah...
How could I possibly explain all that was going on in my head? Carbs, bolus, basals, insulin:carb ratios, sensitivity factors, endocrinologists (who even knew what that was before D?) hypoglycemia, hyperglycemia, complications, wasn't this what the girl from Steel Magnolia's died from?, amputation, kidney failure, blindness, blood glucose, A1c, check, recheck, exhaustion, fear, loneliness, sadness, anger, on and on and on. It took about 6 months to come out of that fog.
But I think I really found some sense of internal peace when, about a year after Grace's dx, I began blogging, and telling my journey. I can read other people's stories, so similar to my own, and comment when I feel I have something to say or add. And I can truly lay out all that's swirling inside my head, and that feels great. What do I get in return? Absolute acceptance, and a sense that I'm not alone. And it's not just the wonderful D-OC, it's the chance to get all the chaos out of my head. I can stop the swirling (okay, maybe just slow it down some) and refocus on whatever lays in front of me. That's why I often write late at night. It slows my brain and once it's out there I can truly rest.
At least until the 2am check.
The apache wars by paul hutton
21 hours ago