Grace's 9th birthday was at the beginning of June. I mentioned in a previous post how differently I felt this year versus last year. As it turns out, my husband found an old e-mail I'd sent out on her birthday last year, describing to friends and family how I felt. As I re-read it, I can't believe how sad I felt. Thanks to the wonderful support of friends and family, and most importantly my new DOC friends, I've come a long way. What a difference a year makes. Here's the e-mail:
Today is Grace's birthday, and I'm sad. I'm sad for the loss of the "healthy" Grace. I feel like we've said good bye to the last year that she didn't have diabetes. Planning this year's party is completely different than last year's. Now, we're skipping the pizza and ice cream and have to plan her cake around snack time and extra insulin. People have offered to bring desserts, and I have to say no.
I'm sad because we're now in the season of picnics, and bar b ques, and ice cream, and lack of schedules, and none of that works for us anymore. Grace cries at halftime of every soccer game, when the oranges slices come out and she can't have them.
I'm sad because Grace has taken this on so well. She went to a birthday party last weekend, and all she snacked on was carrots. She said no to the fruit and chips. All on her own. I had to come back to the party in the middle to check her blood sugar and give her insulin so she could have cake. It's a huge burden that she bears, for the most part, on her own. For as much as I can try to guide her through this, it is her disease. She's such a trooper that it breaks my heart.
I'm sad for myself, because I feel like I never had a chance to digest all that's happened, because life goes on, and I have two other children who need me too. And I feel selfish for even feeling this way.
I won't tell Grace any of this. This is a day to celebrate her youth and her health and her resilience, which deserves celebration. This is a day to remember that things could be much, much worse. This is a day to hope that there will be a cure for diabetes in her lifetime. But in a small part of my heart, I am sad."
June 4, 2009
The apache wars by paul hutton
19 hours ago